Clear to partly cloudy. Low near 50F. Winds light and variable..

Clear to partly cloudy. Low near 50F. Winds light and variable.

Anyone want to make a run to Costco? For a neighbor.

You might not know these folks, but imagine the sheer joy you’ll feel and the thanks you’ll receive if you were to deliver a couple of those big bundles of Kirkland toilet paper to a Greenwood residence while possibly saving a life in the process.

Toilet paper seems to be in great supply once again, having recovered from the shortage of rolls that took place during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was a stark reminder of the Carter-era gas shortage that led to long lines at gas stations and the rationing of fuel.

People rushed to the big box stores only to find empty shelves or signs that read “Limit 1 per customer.” At Costco, which is not open 24 hours a day, the people lined up in the early hours not for hot deals on big screen TVs or 24-packs of thick pork chops at $10.99. Nope, they were there to scarf up all the toilet paper they could. And some were disappointed when they learned the truck made its delivery the day before and now the best they could hope for was to snag some Swiffer wet wipes for their bottoms. Which, by the way, would be a far better choice than those see-through single-ply Scott’s sheets of TP.

But back to the Good Samaritan in you and how you can help some Greenwood folks.

Granted, there’s little else more maddening than getting seated on the throne of daily business and finding nothing more than an empty cardboard roll beside you. Especially if you neglected to notice the empty dispenser and you’d already done your business.

This, by the way, is why it’s good to have facial tissues in the bathroom and not rely on toilet paper for your bottoms and for clearing the nostrils. It might be a tad cumbersome and it might not be the best thing for your plumbing, but Kleenex beats an empty dispenser on the wall. Hands down.

Still, a lack of toilet paper doesn’t seem to be sufficient cause for threatening to kill the one who last used the bathroom. But that’s what happened this week in Greenwood. A 35-year-old woman now faces charges of first-degree domestic violence and possession of a weapon during a violent crime because she apparently threatened a man for using the last bit of TP. Talk about punishment not fitting the crime.

It seems more reasonable that one would pop the bathroom door open and seek a little help. “Got some Kleenex out there?” “Is there another roll of toilet paper?” “Could you at least grab me a paper towel?”

Sure, that guy just reinforces the stereotype that we guys don’t ask for directions when driving, that we think toilet paper, paper towels and laundry somehow magically take care of themselves. But is it enough to justify threatening to shoot a guy in the head or, at the very least, stab him?

Now, I bet some women are shaking their heads and saying “Hell, yeah it does!”

But that’s of no concern at my house, and that’s largely because I’m the one who makes sure we have stacks of Kirkland paper towels, toilet paper and a case of Kleenex tissue boxes in the ready. And the cabinet in our bathroom? Well, it currently houses about 10 rolls of TP. You’d think I was a Depression Era leftover.

Wendy might shoot or stab me some day, or threaten to, but it won’t be because I didn’t put a fresh roll of toilet paper on the dispenser.

Whiting is executive editor of the Index-Journal. Contact him at 864-943-2522; email rwhiting@indexjournal.com, or follow him on Twitter @IJEDITOR. Views expressed in this column are those of the writer only and do not represent the newspaper’s opinion.

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